Jerri Sue Goes to Forks
by tempura85
Summary: Jerri Blank was a boozer, a user, and a loser. She goes back to high school and tries to get her life back on track, but what happens when Jerri meets the handsome and mysterious Edward Cullen? Reader beware, it's explicit. Edward/Jerri
1. Hello, I'm Jerri Blank

**Quick explanation… I've never written a word of fanfic before, but I've been reading it for a while. My friend Laura and I came up with this profoundly disgusting idea, and I just had to write it. It's a crossover fic with **_**Twilight **_**and **_**Strangers with Candy. **_**And yes, there is an Edward/Jerri pairing. That said, I tried to keep everyone in character, and I took the fic as seriously as possible. It turns out that it still isn't very serious. This is kind of an ode to fan fiction, and so I've decided to insert myself and Laura as a couple of shameless Mary Sues. Also Jennifer is there. Stay with it though. It's not really about us. It's about to get nasty in here. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Strangers With Candy **_**or **_**Twilight**_** or anything even remotely related to either of them. (Though I wish I did, cause I'd be fucking riiiiiich!) Sadly, I own nothing but the enigmatic and profoundly sexy characters, Rachel and Laura. ****I do not own Jennifer. She is very much her own person.**

**Remember, this is my first fic, and reviews are lovely.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Hello, I'm Jerri Blank**

_In which an unlikely new student arrives in Forks..._

Jerri Blank stood in the cafeteria of Forks High School looking out across a sea of unfamiliar faces. She had spent the last 32 years of her life headed down the wrong path. Drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution, and a lot of jail time -- Jerri had seen it all. She was starting over, going back to school, and picking up right where she left off, as a freshman at Forks High. Somehow, after years of debasement, it still seemed that the roughest thing a person could do was to go through high school. There were so many pressures. She had to find some balance between classes, friends, and boys, and she vowed that this time around she would have everything--popularity, and …well, mostly popularity, but she was already off to a bad start. She had spent her morning desperately trying navigate the labyrinthine halls of the school. She was late to first period, and she had no idea what was going on in half of her classes. Being a 46 year old high school freshman sure could be rough. But of all the mortifying events of the day, this had to be the worst. She was standing in the front of the cafeteria looking for a place to sit and praying that someone would invite her over. She had worn her best outfit--a pair of tight fitted jeans with fringe running down the outer seams, an orange turtleneck, suede vest, and red cowboy boots. She had just put fresh highlights in her short hair, which swooped elegantly across her forehead. Still, she didn't seem to be winning any points with the student body at Forks, who seemed to think she was invisible. Jerry set her eyes on the table by the far window, and her jaw dropped. There sat three of the prettiest girls Jerri had ever seen.

Rachel and Laura were the two most beautiful girls in the school. They were both tall and pale with long dark hair that cascaded down their backs in loose ethereal curls. Between the two girls, it was hard to tell which was the more stunning. Rachel had perfect violet eyes that shimmered like pools of liquid silver, and she was an avid reader--the perfect blend of intelligence and unassuming sensuality. She had a habit of biting at her lower lip, and playing with her soft tresses in a way that seemed calculated to draw the attention of every male in the room. In truth, she didn't realize how alluring she was because she was profoundly humble, and she despised all forms of pretension. More often than not, she felt incredibly out of place at Forks High School. In spite of her natural beauty and talent, she was shy and awkward. Laura was her best friend, and the only person Rachel could really rely on.

Laura had perfect crimson lips and eyes the color of storm clouds that seemed to change with her mood. She had the grace and poise of a ballerina, and even when she was merely walking, her movements and gestures bore the quality of some graceful and mysterious dance. Laura had an amazing sense of humor, and she had a kindness and warmth that put everyone around her at ease. (Or at least, it would have put people at ease if they had ever given her the chance. Usually other girls just called her a slut because she was so pretty, and few people ever got to know the real Laura.) In spite of the harsh judgments of others, Laura remained a light and effervescent personality. People often asked Rachel and Laura if they were sisters, marveling at the miracle that one small town could produce two such beautiful girls who were bonded, not by blood, but by their deep and abiding friendship.

They were accompanied by their friend Jennifer, a fiery redhead who seemed to be on edge. Jennifer had high ambitions. She wanted to work hard and live a full life as a PA, wife, and mother. She was not given to flights of fancy and was a refreshingly sensible and straightforward person. She hated the environment, and her one indulgence was littering, which she did with wild abandon. She also loved candy and would buy economy sized boxes of fruit chews. Jennifer was beautiful and talented, but she never seemed happy. It was almost as if God was an all powerful omniscient writer with a twisted sense of humor who had dragged Jennifer into a narrative that He knew she would hate_… just because it was funny_. Jennifer hated vampires. Vampires don't have jobs.

Jerri stood staring awkwardly at the three beautiful creatures for a moment, wishing that they would notice her. Finally, Jerri caught Laura's eye. Laura knew instinctively that Jerri could use a friendly gesture. Laura was very intuitive. "Come sit with us!" She chirped excitedly, beckoning Jerri to the seat next to her. Jerri was glad to have someone to sit with in the cafeteria, and quickly made her way to the table.

"You're new here." Rachel said. "I'm Rachel, this is Laura, and this is Jennifer."

"Hi!" Laura exclaimed. Jennifer mumbled a greeting under her breath and stared at the middle aged woman with a look of barely disguised revulsion. It seemed as if Jennifer might say something more, but then she shrugged and tore into another packet of fruit chews. She would have enough to complain about when the vampires showed up.

"So, tell us about yourself." Said Laura. "Where are you from?"

Jerri had told this story many times before to a variety of parole officers. She drew a deep breath and began. "Hello. I'm Jerri Blank…"


	2. Enter Edward Cullen, Stage Right

**Chapter 2: Enter Edward Cullen, Stage Right.**

_In which Jerri sees a mysterious Stranger..._

Just as Jerri was about to launch into a particularly racy story involving a trip to Guadalajara, a Columbian drug cartel, a mule, two Japanese businessmen, and several corpses, she saw the most beautiful thing that she had ever laid eyes on. He was tall and lean with shaggy brown hair that seemed to radiate a light of its own. This one perfect underage boy seemed to embody the magnificence of Apollo and Adonis combined. In addition to that, he had all the charisma and raw sexual magnetism of a young William Shatner. He was spectacular.

"Who is that?" Jerri breathed in awe, her nicotine stained teeth protruding in an expression of wonder.

"Oh, that's Edward Cullen." Laura said. "He's gorgeous, but don't bother. Rachel and I can't even catch his eye, and we're otherworldly beauties with hearts of gold. He's one of the Cullens. They're all like that. Really attractive, but they keep to themselves."

"Yeah, they are attractive." Rachel said. "Really attractive. I cannot stress that enough. The Cullens are all so attractive they barely look human. Also they never eat. Also they miss a lot of school. Also, I brushed by one of them in the hall the other day and he was rock hard and cold as ice. It's really not at all suspicious."

"This is stupid." Jennifer moaned. "If they turn out to be vampires or something I will be so pissed, I'll…"

Laura held up a hand to silence her friend. "Don't be ridiculous, Jennifer. Nobody here is a vampire." Jennifer said nothing more, but she bore an expression of almost physical pain.

Jerri soon stopped paying attention to the bickering girls. She was consumed by her vision of Edward. She watched Edward move to a table with several other teenagers who all had the same kind of mysterious hotness that Edward had. She watched his sensuous mouth curve into a crooked smile as he spoke in hushed tones to the others at his table. He had a tray full of food, but as Rachel had said, he ate nothing. Towards the end of the lunch period, Edward stood and dumped the full tray of food into the garbage. He turned and walked away without even seeing Jerri. Good Lord. He looked good from the front, but that ass was out of this world. She was sorry to see him leave, but she loved to watch him go. She had met a lot of men on the streets --_a lot of men--_ but Edward was different. There was something strange and beautiful about him… something almost …supernatural. She just couldn't put her finger on what it was. She was vaguely aware that Jennifer was moaning about how stupid it would be to be a vampire. "Quiet! I need to think." Jerri barked. She placed a finger on her chin and looked off into the distance, her eyes glazing over in what, for Jerri, passed as an expression of deep thought. It seemed as if the truth about Edward Cullen was hidden in some dark corner of her mind, hanging in the ether. She just couldn't make the connection. Never mind. It wasn't important. She waved the thought away. Jerri Blank had just made a major decision. She wanted Edward Cullen's spermies, and if there were any secrets to be revealed, she was determined to find them --hopefully, in his pants.


	3. Sorry's Not Gonna Make That Golden Brown

**Chapter 3: Sorry Is Not Gonna Make That Golden Brown**

_In which new love blooms in the heart of a young boy..._

Later that day, Edward made his way towards Biology, his least favorite class. The teacher, Mr. Noblet, was a horrible megalomaniac whose only pleasure in life seemed to be the abuse of his students. Most people thought he was a bit sadistic, but of course, Edward knew that that wasn't really the case. He knew what Mr. Noblet was hiding. No one could keep a secret from Edward Cullen, not for long anyway. Edward had special vampire powers, and he could read minds. While Edward didn't enjoy the class, it wasn't as bad for him as it was the other students. The teacher rarely called on him, and there was an odd number of students in the class, which meant Edward worked on his labs alone. People seemed to avoid him instinctively, and that was fine. It was for the best really. Besides, he had passed Biology at a dozen other schools before. He could do these labs in his sleep.

Edward walked into the class and noticed that Mr. Noblet had once again pulled out his deep fryer and was busily whipping up some fresh tempura. Good. Noblet was preoccupied with fried food. It would be a nice slow day. Edward made his way to his seat and began to absent mindedly doodle in his notebook. Suddenly he smelled the heady scent of blood mixing with the odor of cooking oil. This was not just any blood. This was perfect, and it was getting stronger. A mopey thin brunette girl walked into the classroom clutching a copy of _Wuthering Heights. _She tripped in an endearingly clumsy way that proved she was a flawed character and handed Mr. Noblet a note.

The room fell silent as he read the paper. _"Damn it!" _Noblet yelled.

He paused, sighed deeply, and cradled his head in his hands. Everything was still, and the silence dragged. Finally, Mr. Noblet's head shot up. "Alright students." he announced. "_This_ is Bella Swan, she's a new student here at Forks High School. I want you to treat Bella like you would any other student that you know nothing about, and who evidently feels that she can walk into my classroom, in the middle of the semester, and expect me to change my lesson plan…"

"Great now my onion rings are burned!" Mr. Noblet glared at the new student. He hated any kind of disruption to his usual routine.

"I… I'm sorry." Bella stammered.

"Sorry is not gonna make that golden brown ok... I'll never get this one back. You can't unfry things Bella, Now shut up, and sit down. …No, not there. There. That's right."

A stunned Bella stumbled towards the vacant seat beside Edward. 'No.' Edward thought. 'Please, I won't be able to control myself.'

He was seized by a thirst so profound that he had never known the likes of it before. He clutched the side of the desk so tightly that his knuckles turned white, and he desperately hoped that Bella Swan would just go away. He was terrified that he wouldn't be able to control himself. He would tear open this girl's throat right here and now and …oh God, he couldn't think about it. He shut his eyes tight, willing himself to stop wanting her blood.

Suddenly the air changed.

There was a new slightly sickening smell that made him loose all desire for blood. In fact, he felt that he could go the rest of his life without ever drinking again. He opened his eyes. There in the front of the class was another girl --no woman. Thing. Whatever it was, it was handing Mr. Noblet another note. Noblet tried to pretend that she wasn't there, but finally he took the note and grimaced.

"God! Another one?" He shouted, crumpling the note into a ball and throwing it to the floor. He took a deep breath. "Apparently, we're in the ninth circle of hell, because we have yet another new student." He picked up the crumpled note and read out the name. "Jerri Blank."

"Why don't you tell us about yourself?"

"Well, Ok... Hi." Jerri waved awkwardly at the class. "My name is Jerri Blank, and I'm an alcoholic…"

"Ok you can have a seat, Jerri."

Jerri looked longingly at the deep fryer. "Can I have a shrimp tempura?" She asked hesitantly.

"No."

"Asshole." Jerri muttered, turning to find a seat.

"What did you just call me?"

"What did you hear?"

"I'd rather not repeat it."

"Then I guess we'll never know." Jerri answered, taking slow deliberate strides towards her desk. Noblet was clearly stunned. Had anyone ever spoken to him like this before? Jerri was brash. She was also vulgar, disgusting, stupid, and from what Edward could read of her few thoughts, bigoted in every conceivable way. But her boldness was …sexy. God help him, it was sexy.

Jerri created other distractions during the class. At one point, Jerri passed a note to Rachel, the stunning brunette that Edward had always been too nervous to talk to.

"Busted!" Mr. Noblet screamed. He plucked the note from Rachel's hand and read aloud. "My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Rachel, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen this year. That will show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet. Sincerely, Jerri Blank"

"That's two months of detention, Jerri."

"But" Jerri stammered. "My vagina's all..."

"...puffy."

"SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!" Noblet yelled. He drew himself in closer to Jerri, so that she could undoubtedly feel his breath. "I am on to you." he said, his tone low and threatening. "And if you give me any excuse I will bring the hammer down. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Jerri said sheepishly.

Mr. Noblet clearly had enough. It was always a bad idea to test him on the days that he brought out the deep fryer, though of course, Jerri had no way of knowing that. Edward could sense that Jerri would always have a troubled relationship with the Biology teacher.

As the class settled down, Edward and Bella began working on their labs. She tried talking to him, but now that Edward was no longer overwhelmed by her delicious scent, he saw Bella for what she was. She was clearly the kind of girl that could _not stop whining _about being misunderstood. She was also the disloyal type who would abandon her friends, and even her family, for the sake of some abusive asshole she had known for a few weeks. She probably had no ambitions of her own and would throw away all her independence, giving up on the idea of going to college, having a career, or doing anything on her own, just so that she could sit around and moon over the aforementioned asshole. It's ironic, considering that people who don't have lives of their own can't possibly be interesting enough to hold anyone's attention for more than five minutes. She seemed like the type who pinned all of her self worth on the thoughts and feelings of some random guy, and she would probably get all suicidal and weird if anyone ever decided to break up with her. She was likely to lead boys on just so that she could feel better about herself. Besides, Bella thought that reading a few books --books that can be found on any high school syllabus-- somehow passed for depth and intelligence, as if no one with a vagina had ever read a book before. The truth was that Bella Swan was a boring mopey husk of a character. He gave her the cold shoulder. Besides, It was hard to concentrate with Jerri Blank sitting only a few feet away.

Edward couldn't take his eyes off her. The way her clothes hugged the womanly curves of her body, the elegant shape of her mouth. Her teeth, her overbite. The adorable way that she fluttered her eye lashes and the way that her eyes seemed to cross ever so slightly when she was confused, which was often. He found her scent both revolting and intoxicating, like a corndog. Why was she so strangely alluring? Perhaps it was because he had spent so much time in high school. Was this the reason he had never found someone? He had been searching all this time for a girl when what he had truly wanted, what he _needed_, was a woman. Well, Jerri Blank was all woman. He had to speak to her.


	4. Things I Wouldn’t Force on a Mule

**I wrote this. And now I feel all icky.**

**Chapter 4: Things I Wouldn't Force on a Mule**

"Hi. You're Jerri right?"

"Who wants to know?" Jerri turned around and found herself face to face with Edward Cullen. "Oh Hi, Edward." She said, smiling sheepishly.

"You know my name?" He flashed his devilish crooked grin, Jerri's knees went weak, and she got all moist.

"Well," She shrugged. "All the girls in school talk about you." She hugged her books to her chest, feeling very awkward.

"Do they?" Jerri could feel the color rising to her cheeks. He was so perfect.

"Look, Jerri. I like you, and …will you meet me after school? I want to show you something."

Jerri couldn't believe her luck! "Sure!" She replied, cringing when she heard how eager she sounded.

"All right, I'll see you by the front door after school. Don't be late." He seemed to be just as excited as Jerri, though she couldn't believe that was true. She watched him jog off to his next class.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Jerri asked as they drove down the highway. She was amazed by Edward's Volvo and even more amazed by the speeds at which he was driving.

"You'll see" he said.

There was a long silence.

"Are we going for pizza?"

"I think we should keep mystery alive on our first date don't you?"

That was just the sort of thing a serial killer might say, but in truth, Jerri was thrilled by the mystery, and she let it pass. If they weren't getting any pizza it was just as well. Her stomach was already full… of butterflies.

After a time, Edward pulled over by the side of the road. Jerri could see nothing but trees.

"Is this the place?" Jerri asked, a little uncertain.

It's just in the woods a little way." He responded. "It's a secret place. I… I've never taken anyone here."

Jerri followed him into the trees. She sure hoped he wasn't a serial killer. Soon, they came to a clearing in the middle of the woods. It was beautiful.

"Oh. I know this place!" Jerri said, walking into the clearing.

"You do?"

"Sure. Stoney and I used to come here. We'd grab a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times." There was a pause, and Edward didn't answer her. "Hey what's wrong?" Jerri asked. "Don't get your panties all in a twist just because your secret place isn't so secret."

"It isn't that, Jerri. Though I didn't know anyone else knew about this place." Edward said.

Jerri gave him an exasperated look. "Edward, this forest is right by the highway. There used to be a hobo camp here. Why don't you come out into the clearing?"

There was a silence, and suddenly the air cracked with tension. "Jerri, do you know what I am?"

"What?" Jerri said, confusion clouding her eyes.

"The not eating, the staying home on sunny days, the mysterious beauty, the weird vampirey scent, the vampire-like powers that, I'll tell you right now, I have."

Jerri was silent.

"Jerri, What am I?"

Jerri frowned. "Eh…"

"ugh…"

"….fandango?"

"No, Jerri. I'm a vampire."

Edward felt as if his whole life had been leading up to this point. What if she rejected him? What if she couldn't handle this revelation, and she fled in disgust? Edward's golden eyes shone with a new intensity as he met Jerri's gaze. He stepped into the light of the clearing. His skin glittered like diamonds.

"Holey Moley!" Jerri shouted.

"You're human, and we shouldn't be here. This could be dangerous for you. I'm a monster. Jerri, I… I've killed people." He turned away from her and looked as if he might cry, like a girl.

Jerri laughed. "Well so have I."

"What?"

"Look, we've all done things we're not proud of. I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule. But I've changed. People change…"

Jerri sighed. "…Changes…" She looked off into the forest with a dreamy expression on her face.

"I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes… last night. Oh Edward. I'm not the person I was, and you're not the person I was either. Don't you see? We're the same, you and I. But the past doesn't matter. All we have is this moment. And right now, in this moment, I'm as moist as a snack cake down there."

Jerri dropped her pants, and what Edward saw both terrified and aroused him. A small bell hung between Jerri's ample thighs.

"It's the Liberty Bell. See the crack? Solid brass." She tapped the bell with her forefinger and it let out a faint ring. "Come on. Ring it."

"Jerri, I have vampire strength. I could hurt you."

Jerri strode up to Edward and placed a finger on his lips. "Shhhhhh. Edward, Believe me, I've seen it all. Actually, I'd appreciate it if you'd slap me around a bit. I'm having a little trouble getting in the mood."

He looked into Jerri's eyes, and he knew that what she said was true. There was nothing he could say or do to Jerri that would shock or hurt her. As for her undying soul, she had already sunken to unimaginable depths of depravity. Jerri had really lived, and if anything, he felt like he might be the vulnerable one. He was so happy. He felt little girl in his heart was singing for joy. Jerri pulled him into a deep kiss. With his vampire senses he could taste everything. The cigarettes, the herpes. It was magnificent. She was the most amazing woman he had ever met.

"Don't worry, Edward, I can't get pregnant. My ovaries are diseased." Jerri said. She clicked her teeth and with a flourish, she ripped away Edwards belt.

His breath was ragged with desire, and he let out a low husky laugh. "Vampires don't have children anyway, so I don't think we need to worry about it."

"Pee on me." Jerri said, smacking her lips seductively.

Edward obliged.

When he was done, she rolled over in the grass and beckoned him to her. She wrapped her legs around him and began to gyrate. Edward entered her, and he thrust wildly, unable to control himself. At last! He had finally fallen in love, finally lost his virginity, and he would never be alone again.

"Oh, That smarts!" Jerri moaned in pleasure.

They made love in the clearing for hours. Jerri was a practiced and knowledgeable lover, she did things with Edward that he had not known were possible. Unspeakable things. The encounter left Edward feeling used and traumatized and, at the same time, utterly satisfied.

Their energy now spent, they stretched out in the grass and held one another.

"And so the lion fell in love with a filthy disgusting hooker." Edward whispered.

"What a stupid filthy disgusting hooker." Jerri responded, wittily.

"What a sick, masochistic lion." The look in Edward's eyes revealed all the magic and wonder of new love, and he wrapped his arms tighter around Jerri, kissing her forehead lightly and willing this moment never to end.


End file.
